Assyrian Fair Warning of Annihilation Broadcasting System

While cleaning up random files on my computer, I stumbled across a text file that had an old email signature of mine from the 1990s. I believe I wrote it when I was an undergrad. Even after all these years, I find it amusing (even if none of you do), so I’m posting it here…if for no other reason than I seem to have come full circle in my fascination with ancient Mesopotamia:

“This is a test of the Assyrian Fair Warning of Annihilation Broadcasting System.  This is only a test.  The Assyrian Hordes of the great king, king of the four quarters, king of the world, king of Assyria, Assur-izamy-bud, viceroy of Babylon, king of Sumer and Akkad, and all-around nasty guy, are *not* coming to pillage, burn and destroy your realm.  They’re currently wintering in Tahoe.  Relax.”
—Me, in a burst of over-researched creativity

For comparison’s sake, I was riffing off Assyrian titulary like this:

Sennacherib, the great king,
the mighty king,
king of the world,
king of Assyria,
king of the four quarters,
the wise shepherd,
favorite of the great gods,
guardian of right,
lover of justice,
who lends support,
who comes to the aid of the destitute,
who performs pious acts,
perfect hero,
mighty man,
first among all princes,
the powerful one who consumes the insubmissive,
who strikes the wicked with the thunderbolt.

Ah, nerd humor…

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