Lewd, Descriptive Metaphors and You!

So, spent a day this last week down in Marshall, MI, helping sort through and clean out my grandparents house (my grandmother died several weeks back and now my grandfather isn’t going to live there any more, for what I think are obvious reasons). Naturally, the place is really feeling its age, as my grandparents were increasingly over the years unable to maintain it. And in it, we found all sorts of things: heaps of clothes, empty boxes, a metric shit-ton of jewelry, and everything in between. But beyond the general detritus, we also stumbled across trinkets and tokens that revealed some about the personality and personal quirks of my grandparents over the years, little bits of ephemera that have no context but nevertheless tell us something about them.

What I’m going to share with you now is a little doggerel that I found scrawled in a monthly planner from January 1964. It is part and parcel of a larger stash of vintage pornography we stumbled across that induced peels of nervous laughter after I discovered it (after all, who wants to think about their parents or grandparents as sexual beings? Nope! Not I, said the fly! Lalalalalalala…). I may write a bit more about this some other time (or at least post some of the covers to the books somewhere on my internet empire), but I wanted to share this doggerel now because it’s rather amusing.

What it seems to be doing, as far as my dad and I could figure out, is listing a series of descriptive metaphors based around continents and their characteristics to describe various age ranges for women and their sexual utility during those ages. Exactly who wrote it, we aren’t sure, as no one could identify the handwriting definitively. Below is the full text as found in the discarded planner, with some slight editing for layout purposes and clarity. Enjoy:

13-18, like Africa: virgin and unexplored.
18-30, like Asia: hot and exotic.
30-40, like America: fully explored and free with her resources.
40-50, like Europe: exhausted, but still with her points of interest.
50-on, like Australia: everyone knows it’s down there, but no one gives a damn.

(Update: in the shower after coming back from the gym a bit ago my inner grammar police siren started going off, wondering if I mixed up metaphors with similes in writing this post last night. In fact, I’m pretty sure I did. Oy vey! Too late to change it now. Snide comments will be filed in the appropriate receptacle.)


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